Study finds cancer research not helped by middle-class investment
Posted 11 months, 4 weeks ago at 5:26 am. 0 comments
The world of science is in a turmoil today with the news that donations from middle-class people have no affect on cancer research. The shock discovery, the result of a three year longitudinal study in association with the London School of Economics, has shown, that despite cash injections from guilty benefactors riding a high tide of property prices and a strong pound, medical advancements in fields as diverse as breast and bowel cancer to leukaemia have not been advanced one iota.
“We thought it was a mistake at first … until the test results came back in. Even sterile swaps bought with middle-class money end up a bit dirty. You may as well piss it up the wall; we’ve been buying photocopier paper and beer bongs, it’s bloody useless” Anonymous Researcher, CTSU Oxford University
In a conference call on Wednesday, slack-jawed members of the liberal press responded with a mixture of horror and disbelief. Guardian columnist Vivienne Nathanson had to be escorted from the room, a trickle of vomit comprising mostly organic broccoli trailing from her chin, while Polly Toynbee stripped to the waist and tore at her breasts with an unnamed item of hand-made ceramic.
“For years we’ve been relying on a traditionally self-hating, hypochondriac demographic to fuel the search for incomprehensible medical discoveries … this research comes as a swift and distressing kick to the balls” Petra Griffiths, Director CRU, London
The study, due to be published in The Lancet this coming Monday, makes some broad suggestions as how to target the newly valuable working classes, but its authors remain realistically grim.
“For most people floundering in the shit-pits of society, cancer isn’t much of a worry - they’re more concerned with where the finance for their next sofa will come from. We totally expect to see cancer research in the UK and elsewhere dribble to a halt as the middle-classes take their money elsewhere” Geoffrey Golding, UCL
In connected news, auction house Christies has already noticed a rise in demand for vintage antimacassars and crap “ethnic” sculpture, as the aimless 35 - 50 age group attempt to find new directions to channel their wealth.
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